Monday, April 28, 2008

Sage Advice for Newly Married Men or Those Contemplating the Estate of Marital Bliss

After 25 years of marriage, I thought I might pass along some things I have learned.

One is, you guys need to realize in marriage every once in a great while you will need to do a thing called "shopping". Yeah. The store thing.

There is one thing about this whole business I keep having to learn over and over again because I shop so rarely. That is, when you are married, often if you have to get stuff at the store, the stuff will often comprise more than what you can hold in your two arms/hands. You single guys gotta believe me on this. It's really true. Honest!

But fear not! Stores have things called "shopping carts", or, "buggies" as they are called in the deep south. These are four-wheeled pushable vehicles suitable for putting stuff in. (They are also good for riding on if you happen to have a downslope in the parking lot. Heel down on left rear wheel to turn left, heel down on right rear wheel to turn right. Both heels down to brake.) A key thing to remember about "shopping carts" is you have to remember to get one *as you are entering the store*. Yes, I know this is unnatural, strange, and difficult. After all, at that critical juncture you are steeling your mind to getting in, bagging your quarry, and getting out in record time, all while taking a minimum of enemy fire. You are out to take no prisoners. You are focused on nothing but total, devastating, awe-inspiring victory. But Dude, you gotta cool the jets enough to get one of those carts. Trust me. For some reason, they just don't have them strategically located throughout the store for you to grab once your arms are full. Why, I'll never know.

I was reminded of this because I was in Wal-Mart today, and before I knew it I was carrying around something like four or five things. I had to balance them all on my knee in order to thumb through a cool spiral-bound 2008 Rand McNally Road Atlas I've had my eye on. Yes, it was another "Oh, yeah, the shopping cart" moment. I still have 'em.

Oh, and fellas, no one will think you are un-manly for getting a shopping cart. What do you think baseball caps and sunglasses are for?

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